


Deep in the abyss

by Maki_maki



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Comfort/Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Mentions of Depresion, Post-Canon, Post-Garden of Lights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-05
Updated: 2018-11-05
Packaged: 2019-08-19 12:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16534562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maki_maki/pseuds/Maki_maki
Summary: Seventeen years have passed and there are still unsolved matters.





	Deep in the abyss

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to [knoxoursavior](https://ofourown.org/users/knoxoursavior/pseuds/knoxoursavior) for being my beta and helping me with this fic! You're the best! <3 Please give love to this girl!

Sing received a call from Eiji that afternoon. He found it odd. Supposedly, he was at the vet with Buddy at that hour.

“Eiji?” he managed to say. The only sound that he heard from his receptor was a panting like he had been running before he called.

“Sing…” Eiji paused briefly, catching his breath. “I can’t find where Buddy is…”

Silence ruled the conversation between the two men for a few seconds. When Sing noticed that, he blinked rapidly and spoke out.

“Where are you, Eiji? What happened?”

Eiji exhaled, freeing a little bit his stress.

“I haven’t seen him since this morning. I’ve called and whistled him but it didn’t work.” Eiji’s voice cracked. “I don’t know what to do now…”

“Ok, Eiji! Please calm down!” Sing advised. “I’m on my way.”

He heard Eiji hum before hanging up. Without wasting any second, he bid farewell to his wife Akira and his four-year-old son. They didn’t ask him where he was going. Only listening to Eiji’s distress was enough to prevent them from being pushy.

The house where Sing lived wasn’t far away from Eiji’s. When he reached the house, he recognized the Japanese man at the door, waiting for him.

“Sing!”

“I’m here, Eiji.” Sing scrutinized his features. Clearly he was in panic. “Don’t worry, I’m sure that mischievous dog is nearby.”   

Eiji looked down. “I’m not sure, Sing. The last time I saw him, he looked upset.”

“Nonsense!” Sing said. “That old dog could have eaten something he shouldn’t have, or perhaps he’s constipated.”

Eiji sighed. “Perhaps…”

Sing led the way to the backyard. Eiji followed him.

“By the way, did you search for him in that big tree, with the bushes all around it? He hides there when he knows he did something wrong.”

Eiji shook his head, his long hair swaying with the frenetic movement.

“Then, we’ll search for him in that place first!”

They walked right there, calling for Buddy. Receiving no bark in response, Eiji gulped. He tried to avoid being frightened at this situation. He had hope that they could find his dog.

“Buddy!” Sing screamed. “Oh, Buddy! Come on! Don’t be a coward. The vet isn’t going to bite you! Instead, you’ll have the chance to do it!”

“Sing…”

“But of course you won’t because you are a good boy.” Finally, Sing saw a fluffy tail under the bushes. He grinned. “So! That’s where you’ve been hiding!”

Eiji noticed it as well and started to run to his dog. He pushed the leaves away. He looked Buddy laying down in a fetal position, pretty calm despite all the trouble he had caused.

“Buddy!” Eiji shouted while he descended to the grass. “I was horribly worried! Why didn’t you bark back when I called you?”

Sing smiled widely. He noticed Eiji patting the dog’s fur lightly. However, his grin gradually disappeared when he realized that Buddy wasn’t reacting to the touch. He hasn’t even opened his eyes yet.

Clearly, Eiji noticed too. He shook Buddy slightly.

“Buddy?” Eiji said in a soft voice. “Hey, Buddy…wake up.”

The dog didn’t move. Sing gasped as he immediately sat on his knees closer to Eiji.

“Buddy…hey Buddy!” Sing tried to help but with no results.

“No…” Eiji whispered and put his hand near the dog’s dry nose. “Sing…Sing…he isn’t breathing.”

Sing clenched his teeth tightly as he watched Eiji weep above his lifeless pet. He didn’t fight his own tears, and they fell on Buddy’s head.

Sing silently embraced Eiji.

Later, they silently proceeded to bury Buddy near his favorite tree. All the while, Sing was anxious of what Eiji was thinking.

When they entered the house, Sing didn’t know what to do. Was it better to stay silent or to try to find his words to comfort him? The atmosphere was so heavy and uncomfortable that he couldn’t think clearly.

However, in Sing’s astonishment, Eiji was the first one who talked.

“Buddy was an old dog. It was to be expected that he would die soon.” He smiled bitterly. “He was a loyal dog.”

Sing sat down with Eiji and laid his hand on his and squeezed it.

“Don’t be so hard to yourself.” He sighed. “Buddy’s death is not your fault. He died naturally.”

“I know…” Eiji looked up to Sing’s face. “But if I noticed his pain sooner…perhaps… perhaps he…” His tears flowed freely again down his face. Sing opened his mouth to sooth the man, but Eiji continued speaking. “I’ve wondered to myself, why am I always too late?”

Sing frowned.

“What do you mean?”

Eiji didn’t clarify himself. Sing tried to not get frustrated because of Eiji’s silence. He was afraid that depression would dull Eiji’s senses again. Furthermore, because of what he said earlier, Sing recognized that Eiji wasn’t entirely mourning Buddy. He had something else in his mind that’s tormenting him. After the years remaining with him, Sing learnt how to read him.

“Buddy had been avoiding me for a while before he passed away,” Eiji said calmly with such great effort. “I know that when an animal is injured or doesn’t feel at ease, they hide themselves away in a safer place. Buddy…He was avoiding me.” His voice cracked as he remembered his last moments with his dog and the alarm signals that had rung in his head: the entire plate of his food untouched, the toys laying on the floor for weeks, and the odd habit he had developed days before he disappeared, staring into the horizon with shining eyes. “Now I know the reasons…” He gulped slowly, his mouth dry.  “I didn’t want to believe it. He didn’t want me to see him suffer.”

Through all those years, Sing hadn’t witnessed Eiji bursting with emotions. He was always calm and his eyes reflected an eternal melancholy since Ash’s death.

Sing hugged him when tears filled his eyes. He guided Eiji’s head to rest on his chest and let him unburden himself.

“Eiji, let it go… just cry.  It’s okay to feel upset.”

Eiji couldn’t contain himself when he heard those words. He sobbed as he hid his face completely in Sing’s chest.

“Sing…” Eiji mumbled into his clothes. “I’ve thought about Ash too…”

The Chinese man stiffened and he embraced him tightly. Since the Photograph Exhibit when he displayed Ash’s portrait ten years ago, Eiji never mentioned his name freely to friends nor in interviews. When he thought that he was trying to finally overcome that sadness, suddenly he blocked his own heart and feelings again. All his efforts to move on had been counterproductive.

Sing was overwhelmed. He was grateful that Eiji couldn’t see him now. He bit his lower lip and tried to not shake. He wasn’t ready to listen to what was on Eiji’s mind; maybe he never would be.

Eiji stuttered for a while. His mind and his mouth couldn’t coordinate to express the memories he had deep in his heart. He searched for the correct words to finally express his untold emotions. When he gathered enough courage, he didn’t restrain himself. Even if he just babbled, he was not going to stop.

“Many people believed and treated him as an indomitable beast. He was even raised as one. Trying to convince him that he needed to be inside a cage.” Sing was starting to feel like his shirt soaking with Eiji’s tears. He couldn’t flinch. He was absorbed in Eiji’s words. “At one point, I think he believed it. He was a Lynx in charge of satisfying others’ pleasure…”

“Eiji…” Sing said softly. He was telling him personal stuff. Something that only he has known about Ash. Sing felt like an intruder, hearing about all these intimate details between them. Eiji continued on, though.

“The day…” Eiji moaned with great sadness. “That day…when he was stabbed…he…” He gulped. He could perfectly visualize in his mind Ash’s features that he had tried to forget: his wide smile only given to Eiji when he was comfortable and relaxed, his pouts that made him look like a normal teenager, and the miserable cries he heard in ungodly hours. “He went back to the Public Library…he didn’t ask for help even though he could have. He felt at peace every time he went there.” Sing realized that Eiji has lifted his head, facing him with red eyes and even more unshed tears. “It makes me wonder if he felt like an injured animal and attempted to hide to a safe place… if he thought he was the moribund leopard in the mountain.”

Sing couldn’t understand the last part, what Eiji meant. He was about to ask when he saw the horror in Eiji’s eyes as more tears fell.

“He died…” he whispered, incredulous. “He died alone that day…”

Sing was dumbfounded. It was the first time he heard Eiji openly admit, out loud, that Ash died. It took him almost two decades to say it. He had never really wanted to grasp it.  Did he finally accept it?

However, Sing noticed he was talking to himself rather speaking with him.

“Why? Even now, I still don’t understand the reason?” he said, practically inaudibly and rapidly with a hoarse voice. “Why he decided to die that day.” He let out a silent whimper. “He chose to wait for death to claim him… even though Ash, through all his life, had no right or will to make his own decisions.”

Sing closed his eyes to fight his tears. He wanted to stop Eiji. He was hurting himself as well as him. They hadn’t spoken of what happened that day like this. This was too much. Sing wasn’t sure if he could handle all these emotions without breaking down. He had to be strong. He had to be strong for Eiji. He didn’t want to get consoled. It was Eiji who deserved comfort.

Eiji panted as his whole body was taken over by shivers. He had flashbacks to when Ash tried to learned Japanese; the interested face he had made when Eiji talked about where he grew up.  He remembered how his heart jolted of amusement when Ash was struggling to understand the language. Now, this memory caused him a great suffering. Also, he felt like all of his blissful memories with Ash were rotting inside his mind. He had no idea how to handle it without descending into madness. So he had pushed them down deeper into his mind for years, just as he had the photos he had of Ash. Then Eiji realized it was a mistake.  He couldn’t handle the pain anymore. He felt like he was losing the battle he himself created through the years to fight his own emotions. 

“Why he didn’t choose me instead?”

Eiji began whimpering louder. Once he said that, something inside of him shattered. He wasn’t sure if it was his own mind, his heart, or both. He bent forward where he sat on the couch and pressed his palms to his face to cover his disgrace. His own voice echoed through the room as he started to hyperventilate.

Sing eyed the wall with a lost gaze as Eiji’s cries rumbled in his ears. He couldn’t listen to the misery in Eiji’s voice, to Eiji suffocating with each breath he tried to take. It was like he was drowning in the tears he never freely shed. Sing wondered how many times he suffered like this alone. How many times did he belittle himself or tell himself he could have done more to prevent Ash’s fate? Eiji’s screams like he barriers he had built to protect his fragile soul were being ripped away from him. Shattering little by little.

“Eiji,” Sing whispered as he surrendered to his tears and finally let them pour out of him.

“It’s just… I’m trying to figure this out. Why did Ash and Buddy choose to pass away by themselves? Did they think it was better that way? That I’m going to be less hurt if I didn’t see it happen?” His grip is strong on Sing’s shirt. “Insensitive dog...” he mumbled as softly punched Sing’s chest. “Stupid Ash…” Eiji moaned as he again wanders through his memories. The last remembrance of Ash he had was of his tearful face that time in the hospital corridor. “I could not even say goodbye to you face to face…”

Sing had been expecting this sorrow from Eiji years ago. His heart ached when he realized he only got this reaction seventeen years later. Seventeen years, Eiji had been in constant pain. Seventeen years, he had evaded comfort from others as if he thought he had no reason to renew his life. To feel happiness again. At that moment, Sing thought of what Eiji told him a while ago, that he _was_ happy. He didn’t believe it at all. He had tried, but he couldn’t. What sort of happiness was Eiji talking about? This was too cruel.

Now he had mixed feelings as well as Eiji did. Unravelling Eiji’s true sentiments was overwhelming. Two of his loved ones died almost in the same way. Furthermore, now, he wasn’t alone to bear his sorrow. He had Sing, he always had Sing. Even if Eiji didn’t notice it right away.

“Eiji, please Eiji, listen to me,” Sing finally spoke when he realized that the sobs had diminished. “I told you years before, Ash’s death wasn’t your fault. Neither was Buddy’s. I didn’t know Ash as much as you did so I couldn’t understand his true feelings and struggles. I never met the real Ash.” He patted Eiji’s long black hair fondly and hugged him. “But what I know is this, so hear me out carefully and keep it in mind.”

Eiji looked up with shining eyes to Sing without pulling away from the embrace.

“Ash was a strong person, physically and mentally. He was unhuman to me. However, I dare to say that you were the only person who he showed his humanity, who he truly was.”

“Sing…” Eiji whispered.

“So I doubt he died that day without a purpose. Perhaps there was a threat we didn’t know about… and maybe we never will. Maybe he passed away to keep you safe from something or someone. Maybe Lao wasn’t the real problem. He truly wanted to go to Japan with you. He didn’t want to die yet.”

“Do you believe that?” Eiji said, but he was already hoping that statement was true. His heart jumped at the reassuring words.  

Sing had a lump in his throat. He looked at Eiji’s red face with his bloodshot eyes and his labored sniffing. Eiji’s appearance wasn’t precisely pretty in that moment but for Sing it was the most beautiful he had seen him in years. He saw a man who was gradually trying to break his ties from the past. How many times had he desired to finally see that scene, how many times had he imagined it in his mind?

“Yeah.” He smiled with tears in his eyes. “I believe he was willing to give up his life if you were safe. You were the only light in his dark world. I guess there wasn’t another reason for him to die. In the end, he chose you, Eiji. ”

Eiji’s body stiffened as once again tears from his eyes streamed down on his face. Sing’s speech pierced through his thoughts. His words were a tenuous light that illuminated the darkness of his lost and broken mind that he hadn’t let heal. Was this the untold truth he was looking for? The real peace his heart needed? Was it really just a few genuine words?

Sing carefully wiped his tears away with his thumbs. “He cared about you, even more than his life. He loved you.”

Eiji nodded. His voice raged as he wept soundly. “I know…”

“He was at peace when he made that decision because he was reading your letter, Eiji. Maybe he felt you were there with him.” He embrace Eiji tightly. “You saved his soul from his agony.”

“ _Sing...”_ Eiji said as he pressed his forehead on Sing chest. Sing’s thigh was slowly soaked by tiny drops.

“He died with a smile on his face, clutching your letter close to him as his tears and blood mixed in with the paper. Possibly thinking he chose the right decision.”

“Really?” Eiji gaze on him was dumbfounded.  His lips trembled. “I didn’t know that.”

Sing gave him a sad smile as he gasped a yes. Both men felt emptiness as their eyes connected.

“You said you gave him your soul…” Sing said while he felt a pressure in his chest. Their tragic love story has initiated an avalanche of tears in him that could not be stopped. “But you, Eiji, saved him from his darkness, from his cruel world. I’m sure about it.” He tried to maintain his grin. “The photo you exhibited years ago…I bet he was always calm when he was with you. I never saw that kind of expression on him. Ever.”

Eiji nodded with his eyes closed as his lips trembled.

“You portrayed a man who had an unfair destiny but also a kind heart. Not a bloodthirsty gang leader. You feel so intensely about him because you were always by his side,”  Sing said with fervor. “You keep him alive with your photographs and your memories, even if he’s not here anymore.”

“Sing!” Eiji jumped on him and wrapped his arms firmly on his neck. Sing stumbled as he placed his hands on Eiji’s sides. He couldn’t take it anymore. “I miss him!! I really do!!”

Sing parted his lips to let out a tense breath. “Me too, Eiji.”

“I wanted him to be happy! To go with me to Japan!”  Eiji shouted. “I didn’t want him to die! I still reject his decision!”

“I know…” Sing whispered. “I know.”

They didn’t realize how long they had been embracing. The sounds of their shaky breaths and their warming hug calmed their rigid bodies. Their eyes were starting to hurt from crying too much, and they had to wipe away their snot with their clothes.

Sing sniffed and wiped away his tears from his eyes. He moved to rub at Eiji’s cheeks as well.  

“I guess…” Eiji said with a wide smile. “Ash finally is going to meet Buddy.”

Sing gasped, taken aback by Eiji’s words. Then he chuckled. He leaned in, pressed his forehead to Eiji’s and joined him as he laughed.

“I bet he’s greeting him right now…”

After that, Eiji built in his house  a simple yet elegant _Butsudan,_ a delicate shrine with several photographs: an old woman who was his grandmother, another Japanese man that was his father, an African-American boy with smirk on his face, a weird man with a large purple mohawk and sunglasses, a golden retriever whose tongue was out of his mouth and whose eyes were shining, and finally, an extremely beautiful white man with blonde hair and jade eyes with a soft expression.  

Every night, the smell of incense would permeate  the house. As an offering were always flowers and sake on it. However, every August 12th, it could be found a plate of fresh shrimp salad and avocado close to the blonde’s photograph.

When Eiji paid his respects to those who had passed away, he always had a conversation with each one after, as if they were really standing in front of him, promising them he would live to the fullest every single day and hoping they would be waiting to meet him when he would finally take his last breath.

But until then, he wasn’t alone. He had friends and family in Japan and in New York, but most remarkable of all, he had Sing.

Perhaps Ash had his soul and he had his. However, Sing had been his strength. Sing was his reminder to keep on living and trying to seek his own happiness. Eiji had faith he was going to find it someday, with Sing’s help.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this fic when I was sad. So if you feel the same way as well, sorry! :(


End file.
